When the Farting Begins


My boyfriend at the time was not a small boy. He was a proud former football player and still built like one, too. It was the middle of the night, when all of the sudden I heard him making pushing noises.

As he grunted and groaned, I braced myself, anticipating an explosion under the sheets.

All of the sudden I heard what sounded like a pathetic note from a toy trumpet—bweerp. All the pushing for that? I burst out into laughter, hoping I wouldn’t wake him up, and slowly fell back asleep.

When I awoke the next morning, it was the usual routine. Then, later that morning, I remembered what had happened*. My cat has a more manly fart. I couldn’t stop laughing. I immediately called him and told him the story**. He wasn’t embarrassed. He laughed, too. It was official—the farting stage had begun.

For three months my boyfriend had been holding in his farts, walking into the kitchen pretending to need a drink, getting something out of his car, or going outside to play with the dog. He was even holding it in while he was sleeping, apparently. But once the floodgates opened, WOW did they open***. He freely farted all of the time, and I didn’t find him less attractive at all. In fact, I was almost relieved the time had come. He felt comfortable enough in front of me to pass the deadliest, loudest gas ever.

But it was also concerning. Was this it? Was the mystery gone? Not to mention that when the floodgates opened, the flood of TMI began. His bathroom habits played way too big of a role in our everyday conversation—like when he would come home to announce he had to “clean his pipes.”

Women fart, too. This is a fact. But we tend to not cut loose so freely. I can imagine the relief you must feel when you get to the open farting stage in your relationship, but we rarely find ourselves at that stage—at least, not for months or years. We worry you won’t find us as attractive anymore.****

I have friends who’ve been together for seven years who’ve never farted in front of each other. Ever. In fact, they’ve never even admitted to taking a dump in the house. I thought this was strange until another friend admitted the same thing about her and her fiancé. I mean, doesn’t the time have to come where it’s okay to be human?*****

Last night, I was speaking to a master farter, my brother. He told me that, as a courtesy to his wife, when he farts in bed, he positions his body and the sheets to guide the stench harmlessly to the bottom of the bed. I mean, seriously?

Let’s simplify this, guys. Here are Kate’s New Rules of Farting:

1. Try not to fart in the presence of your wife or girlfriend.
2. If you do, excuse yourself.
3. Never let your flatulence become a frequent joke or topic of conversation.
4. Don’t use the term “cleaning my pipes,” especially when it means you’re about to clog mine.
5. Above all, if your lady lets one slip, don’t make her feel less attractive.

Got it? Good. Let’s never speak of this again.******

By Kate Oswalt
Source: Men’s Health blog