Some would say that my past experiences have earned me a title of a “relationship guru.” I say that my past experiences only taught me what to avoid – all the bad in a relationship that tells you you’re digging yourself into an early grave. Now, THAT I know.
Welcome ladies. Welcome to the list of the World’s Worst Men. I guarantee they’ll have you screaming for mercy before you’ve had time to add the sugar to your morning coffee.
Of course, as any mature intellectual would know, there’s no such thing as “types” or generalizations. And many men you may meet might possess some of these qualities while being perfectly normal, great guys. Many women could be this way too. This is just a precaution and like I always say, not a rule. At the end of the day, you get to decide if the man in question is a hit… Or miss.
Between my friends and I brainstorming, this list was very, very long. But I narrowed it down to some of my personal favorites and I think at one point or another, I have met a little of each type of guy here and there.
So here it is. Consider this your formal warning.
1- Mr. I’m In Love With You Before Breakfeast
What’s this guy like?
This man thinks it’s totally normal to fall in love with you in five minutes. Love at first sight? Let’s not kid ourselves. That only happens in the movies, and only in the bad ones too. This is the type of guy that thinks 45 missed calls in 3 minutes is completely normal.
Why will he annoy you?
Though it’s nice for someone to feel so strongly about you so soon, this type of guy will usually fall in love with every other girl too. There’s nothing special there because realistically speaking, it takes time to fall in love with someone – really in love with them. And I mean the good, the bad, the ugly and ladies, the crazy. Our crazy.
2- Mr. Mastercard
What’s this guy like?
This guy’s got money and he’s not afraid to show it. Sure, it’s nice to go out with someone to a nice dinner and have them pay, but this guy sells himself as a rich fellow. It’s all he’s got to offer and he will make sure you know it.
Why will he annoy you?
Fancy nights on the town and extravagant gifts on your doorstep? Not too bad, huh? No. After some time, you will come to see that he’s materialistic, driven by money and thinks he can buy and swipe his way out of anything.
3- Mr. I Got Friends And You Got Friends
What’s this guy like?
This guy ambushes you like a bad hair day. You think he’s great, but out of no where, you see a side of him that makes you want to run for the hills. He realizes you’ve got single girlfriends and all of a sudden, everything becomes about hooking your friends up with his friends.
Why will he annoy you?
There’s nothing wrong with introducing your man’s friends to your ladies. In fact, most people believe it’s preferable for you to meet someone within your social circle. But this guy won’t take no for an answer, even when you tell him your friends aren’t interested. Believe me ladies, I’ve been there and it was disgusting.
4- Mr. Macho Man
What’s this guy like?
“I’m the maaaaaan.” Thanks for telling me something I didn’t already know. Like did you think I believed you were a woman? This guy thinks being the “man” is the default response to anything and everything. There’s a fine line between being a gentleman and being a sexist pig and this guy knows nothing about that line. He’ll try to make you feel “protected” and “cared for,” but in reality he’s attempting to control every move of yours, down to what you wear and who you hang out with.
Why will he annoy you?
Need I say why this guy is toxic? He believes that men are the superior gender and it’s only a matter of time before his sexism turns into controlling stupidity and you’ll feel like Rapunzel locked in the tower of his manhood.
5- Mr. Excuses
What’s this guy like?
Excuse me, but I don’t think you’ve noticed – You’re dating the CEO of the globe. This guy is full of it; shit. He’s got an excuse for every single behavior and he believes that all his day-to-day activities are crucial to the world’s survival. And he’ll make sure you know it too. This type of guy is my personal worst.
Why will he annoy you?
Not only will this guy make you feel like an insignificant peasant in comparison to his oh-so-important tasks, but he will not be around 90% of the time for you. And for every time he doesn’t show up, he will have a brand new excuse for you. And you know, God forbid you would ever be busy – he would make you feel like crap about it.
6- Mr. Secrets
What’s this guy like?
He’s got six phones and can’t explain to you why. He never really tells you what he does for a living, where he lives or who his friends are. Now I’m not saying that dating someone should come with a CIA-report on the first date, but with time, you should be able to get to know all details, public and private, about the person you’re with. Especially when it comes to seemingly mundane things like how many siblings he has.
Why will he annoy you?
This guy will have you questioning day and night: “What’s he hiding?” Your suspicion, which is probably rooted in truth, will drive you crazy. It will only be a matter of time before you find out something he’s hiding and whether it’s deceitful or not, it will throw you off.
7- Mr. Turtle
He likes you. He knows it, you know it, uninhabited populations in the North Pole know it. Everyone knows it, except for time. This guy takes three million light years to do anything and hence earns the respected title of Turtle.
Why will he annoy you?
If you’ve got the patience of the world to wait around for Turtle to come around, then kudos. But most people I know don’t have infinite time to wait around for someone to express interest or make a move. Before you know it, you’ll be 105 and still waiting n a first date.
8- Mr. Sexcapades
What’s this guy like?
Mr. “I’ve banged everything with legs since I was old enough to start screwing around.” This guy will not shut up bragging about the many, many girls he’s been with and just how absolutely gorgeous they all are. I don’t know what’s more annoying about this guy – the bragging or the severely obvious fact that 95% of his words are lies.
Why will he annoy you?
Not only will he sound like an arrogant man whore, but you can’t trust him. You’ll always be wondering if he’ll slip into a night of good old days.
9- Mr. I’m Bored and Need Entertainment
What’s this guy like?
This guy will pull out all the stunts to make you think he’s interested. He’ll flirt, he’ll take you out, he’ll call and message you, but he’ll never explicitly say that he’s interested in you. And one day, out of the blue, he’ll disappear or just stop being interested. And you’ll be sitting around with your girlfriends from the first day until the last wondering what the hell happened. An extension of this type of guy is Mr. Phone Buddy, who calls and messages you a lot, but never really makes an effort to see you. After having gone through this with so many guys, I concluded that these guys are bored and in search of random entertainment until something better comes along to occupy their time.
Why will he annoy you?
At first this guy will make you happy because he’ll give you a sense of hope that you’ve actually met someone who you get along with so well. But then he’ll pull it all away leaving you with disappointment and many, many questions. This is why I have a three-week rule. The guy gets three weeks to express explicit interest or he’s friend-zoned. If he’s not even worth the friend-zone, I just drop him like he never existed. Yes, some may say this is cruel, but it’s my little survival guide in the crazy world of love. If you really think this guy is worth it and might just be shy (which is never really the case), you could be extra sure and tell him yourself how you feel. If he responds well it, good. if not, wave your flags goodbye.
Kisses and hugs,
DS
